I had not heard of Michael Gudinski until the summer of 2021. No bell rang in my head for his name or for his work, but for the purposes of our story and for our long walk into what is to come, it is important to know that someone else thought so much of Michael that they wrote a song about him.
“I’ll see you in my dreams” is a song dedicated to Michael written by Bruce Springsteen. I first heard the song in that summer of 2021 and it has been a constant compassionate companion with me ever since. As you will see, this song will be part of the soundtrack for our walk.
So, where are we going? Honestly, I don’t know. There isn’t a planned destination for our walk, or even a vaguely hoped for place to end up in. It is the walk itself that matters. I don’t know where we will be when we say goodbye, but I know it is time to start walking.
My intention therefore, is not to focus too much on any particular destination or ambition, but simply to look for those small things along the way that I hope will allow all of us to be a little kinder, more thoughtful, more generous, more open to possibility and more fulfilled. If that is ok for you, would you please walk with me, even if just for a little while, because I know that if you are with me, the story we will write on our walk will also help me to find my new path as my world changes around me.
As I write these words, I know I have not yet made the difference in this world that I want to make, and I want to find that sense of peace and calm that will come from knowing I did all that I could and I could not have done more. I want our walk to be thoughtful and kind for you too and something sustaining and of value for our time together.
Perhaps even more significantly, I also believe this walk will be important for those times when the jagged edges of real-life scrape roughly at our hopes and dreams, when taking a single step into the future can feel like it is a step too far. After all, not every day will see Mr Bluebird land on our shoulder.
When my dad died in January 2017 it was, of course, profoundly sad, but at the time it was more important to focus on mum; somehow my own sense of loss needed to be sedated a little to look after her. Then, when mum died in the summer of 2022 it was so different. No longer was there a surviving parent to love and support as she tried to navigate her sadness, loneliness and grief; no longer were there those small inconsequential jobs to help alleviate her day-to-day worries. There were no more Sunday evening phone calls to hear all the family news, or those daily “love you much” text messages to send and receive. No more plans to make, no more memories to create; just one great big terrible gap.
I have found mum’s death to be far more affecting, raw and sad. In my life now there is no one to look up to who has more family memories than me. No one to sit in front of me at a family wedding. No one to tell the infant story of me before my memories begin. And for each family gathering one chair is no longer needed, marking a small gap around the table, but a yawning loss of what made life more certain, loving and kind.
Middle-aged orphancy isn’t something we talk about very much, but when people say that life comes at you fast, it feels to me that death comes at you even faster. Too fast.
In 2021 when I first heard Springsteen sing “I’ll see you in my dreams” it stopped me in my tracks; it was like hearing my name being unexpectedly called out from a crowd. It was a song that pulled me to a place where I could reconnect with my dad, and offered me a quiet way to remember so many small things about him to make me smile and to feel that he was close again. Then when mum died a year later, the song became even more important to me.
Without wanting to sound morbid, it is a song I would like to be played at my own funeral. It is an anthem not for loss, but for remembering; a way to carry those small cherished memories that brought people into our hearts, so that we may carry them with us forever.
Our walk into our future needs a soundtrack, and so this is the first song I would like to take with us. While none of us can blithely walk away from loss, if we can carry such loss with us, and not be weighed down by it, my hope is that we can face whatever is to come and still look for those as yet undiscovered moments of love, kindness and joy that are ours to find in this world.
The road is long and seeming without end
The days go on, I remember you my friend
And though you’re gone and my heart’s been emptied it seems
I’ll see you in my dreams
I got your guitar here by the bed
All your favorite records and all the books that you read
And though my soul feels like it’s been split at the seams
I’ll see you in my dreams
I’ll see you in my dreams
When all our summers have come to an end
I’ll see you in my dreams
We’ll meet and live and laugh again
I’ll see you in my dreams
Yeah, up around the river bend
For death is not the end
And I’ll see you in my dreams
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJkaZ8hQM60
For Michael, thank you for a life that inspired a song.
And for those we have lost, may we always see you in our dreams.
Take care. Paul xx
“The Mentor” is now available to buy from this site (or from you know where). I would be thrilled if you would like a copy.
